


Zoo Wee Mama: American Badass

by Hitlertheduck



Category: Diary of a Wimpy Kid Series - Jeff Kinney
Genre: I mean it, Other, You'll grow balls on your balls from reading this story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25972735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: When the president's daughter is kidnapped, the only man who can save her is the hero, Zoo Wee Mama! I'm not responsible for any STDs you might get from reading this story
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Zoo Wee Mama: American Badass

Zoo Wee Mama was gunning down orcs in a dark alley with his trusty machine gun. One of the orcs leaped at Zoo Wee Mama to try and eat him, but Zoo Wee Mama was too fast for him. Zoo Wee Mama drew his battle axe and cleaved the orcs head into two evenly sliced pieces as blood splattered all over the walls. 

“I guess he really couldn’t HANDLE it” said Zoo Wee Mama

Zoo Wee Mama then reached up and pulled the planet Jupiter out of orbit without effort. He then rolled the red giant up and smoked it like a cigarette. The ashes from the planet cigarette then fell on top of the city and created a warm blanket of ash for everyone to sleep soundly inside of. 

A limousine then drove up the road and stopped in front of Zoo Wee Mama. The door on the right side then opened up and the president of the United States, Larry the Cucumber, exited from the vehicle. 

“Zoo Wee Mama, I need your help” said Larry.

Zoo Wee Mama began breakdancing “what do you need me for?”

“My daughter, Chika Fujiwara, has been kidnapped by space pirates, I’ll pay you 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pennies if you get her back for me” 

“Alright I’ll do it” said Zoo Wee Mama while balancing a fish bowl on his head.

“Great, I wish you the best of luck” said Larry

Zoo Wee Mama then jumped onto his motorcycle made from Hellfire and rode upwards into space.  
…

After a bucketful of minutes, Zoo Wee Mama found where Aqua was being held. She was being held captive in a silver space station. Zoo Wee Mama then sped there while leaving a blazing trail of hellfire everywhere he went. 

Zoo Wee Mama then looked at the picture Larry gave him of the space pirates he’d be going up against. These pirates all seemed to look exactly the same, they wore long red coats, torn bage pants, and had a head of long greasy black hair on their heads.

“Heh, I can handle this” said Zoo Wee Mama

Zoo Wee Mama then arrived at the entrance to the station, where he dropped his hellfire bike off at the parking lot because Zoo Wee Mama believes that just because you’re a badass, doesn’t mean that you should be a dick. Zoo Wee Mama then got off of his bike and walked towards the door. 

Zoo Wee Mama knocked on the door three times, before a space pirate opened up the door to greet him. 

“Can I help you” asked the space pirate.

“You sure can” Zoo Wee Mama then kicked the space pirate so hard in the balls that a mini nuclear explosion went off inside of the pirate’s testicles. The space pirate then fell to his knees before melting into a puddle of black goo and then evaporating to become one with the stars in space. 

“Well it looks like he’ll be seeing stars” said Zoo Wee Mama

Zoo Wee Mama then pulled out two pistols and ran through the hallway of the space station searching for the president’s daughter. Suddenly dozens of space pirates jumped out and began shooting at Zoo Wee Mama in an attempt to kill him, but Zoo Wee Mama’s rock hard abs bounced all of the bullets away until the bad guys were out of ammo.

Zoo Wee Mama then aimed his two pistols at the crowd space pirates and rained down ammunition onto his enemies which made them disappear from this universe and reappear in a universe where the currency they use is Fresh Prince of Bel Air DVD boxsets dipped in strawberry jelly and licked by a homeless person. The space pirates’ bodies couldn’t handle the sudden change in atmosphere and so they spontaneously combusted in a bright fiery mushroom cloud that destroyed a portion of the country.

“It looks their failure was universal afterall” said Zoo Wee Mama

Zoo Wee Mama then looked at his guns and saw that he was out of ammo so he tossed the guns aside, where they faded out of existence because their fuel for staying in existence was Zoo Wee Mama’s badassery.

Zoo Wee Mama then continued his search for Chika until he was stopped by a big space pirate. This space pirate towered over Zoo Wee Mama and he was wielding a chainsaw that was taller than himself. 

“So Zoo Wee Mama, you’ve chosen this place as your grave” said the big space pirate

“No, I’ve chosen this place as YOUR grave” said Zoo Wee Mama while filing his taxes.

The big space pirate then swung his large chainsaw at Zoo Wee Mama’s head but Zoo Wee Mama just raised his wrist to block it. The space pirate tried cutting through Zoo Wee Mama’s wrist but it wouldn’t budge due to the aura of awesomeness Zoo Wee Mama keeping him from being harmed.

Zoo Wee Mama then grabbed the chainsaw’s blade with one hand and then he karate chopped it, causing the blade the break into two pieces. 

Zoo Wee Mama then grabbed the big space pirate and proceeded to fold him in half. He then proceeded to fold him in half for a second time, then a third time, then a fourth time, then a fifth, then a sixth, until eventually the big space pirate was now nothing but a teeny, tiny square, filled with crushed organs. Zoo Wee Mama then took this square, tore it in half, and used it as a new pair of contact lenses.

“I’ve got my eye on you” said Zoo Wee Mama

Zoo Wee Mama then looked down at the two chainsaw halves and got an idea. He picked up the chainsaw parts and proceeded to bend them to make them fit over his knuckles until eventually his knuckles were all wrapped up now. He had successfully created chainsaw wrappings!  
…

Chika was sleeping in her dull gray cell when suddenly BOOOM! 

Zoo Wee Mama crashed in through the wall and said “your father wants you back, so I’m here to deliver you to him, now come with me.”

Zoo Wee Mama then grabbed Chika by the hand and ran outside of the cell in order her to deliver her to President Larry.   
…

Zoo Wee Mama and Chika were running through the halls to get back to his hellfire bike when they were stopped by a space pirate who was the size of a kaiju!

“So, you’ve managed to kill every single one of my space pirates, that’s unforgivable and I should punish you right now for your insolence” said the kaiju space pirate.

Zoo Wee Mama wasn’t afraid though, he just stood his ground and said the perfect comeback. 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t speak corpse” said Zoo Wee Mama while playing the xylophone.

The kaiju space pirate was enraged by that remark and so he began to rampage in an attempt to wipe Zoo Wee Mama out of existence.

Zoo Wee Mama didn’t flinch once during this entire journey so why would he start now? He ran up towards the kaiju pirates legs and began punching at hyper speeds. The damage was only enhanced by his chainsaw wrappings as each punch drew blood from the kaiju pirate.

The kaiju’s legs eventually began to break down from the sheer awesometude of Zoo Wee Mama’s constant blows, until eventually his legs shattered and the kaiju fell to the ground, with his eyes staring straight at Zoo Wee Mama’s golden shining eyes.

“Now it’s time for you to become a part of me once and for all” said Zoo Wee Mama in an Italian accent

The kaiju space pirate was sweating with fear now “no please don’t.”

Zoo Wee Mama then lifted his shirt up to reveal his nipple hair. His nipple hair then extended like a dozen tentacles and grabbed hold of the kaiju space pirate’s body. The nipple hair began pulling the kaiju space pirate towards Zoo Wee mama while the kaiju begged and pleaded for mercy the entire time.

“Please, show some mercy” said the kaiju space pirate.

“Sorry, but mercy has officially been discontinued from our store shelves” said Zoo Wee Mama while reading the communist manifesto.

The kaiju struggled until finally, the nipple hair pulled him into Zoo Wee Mama’s nipple dimension, an entirely separate dimension inside Zoo Wee Mama’s nipple which seems to have no end, where the kaiju would never be seen again.

Zoo Wee Mama and Chika then ran outside of the space station, hopped onto his hellfire motorcycle, and drove back to the earth.  
…

Zoo Wee Mama handed Chika over to her father in the most stylish way possible and President Larry said “You’ve done good, here are your pennies”

A huge planet sized bag of pennies then dropped into Zoo Wee Mama’s big strong arms and he prepared to go back home.

Before he could, Chika hopped into his arms and said “Zoo Wee Mama, don’t you want to fuck me?”

Zoo Wee Mama just dropped her on the ground and said “sorry, I don’t fuck girls with low standards” as an explosion went off behind him.

Zoo Wee Mama then got on his motorcycle with his money and rode off into the sunset.

“There goes a true hero” said Larry with a tear rolling down his face.


End file.
